Today I didn't go to my counselor/whatever meeting because I didn't want to. I sort of lost some trust in her last time I saw her. Without going into too much detail; she asked me some detailed questions she had no reason whatsoever besides personal morbid curiosity to know the answers to, and I found this to be most unprofessional of her. Had she said "I'm sorry, I just get so curious, but would you mind telling me about this and this?" I wouldn't really have minded since I'm a bit of a blabbermouth anyway, but she didn't, and that really rubbed me the wrong way. I have a really hard time with people who have jobs that deal with possibly sensitive issues who can not keep their own crap in check. If they are THAT curious about something they can friggin' google it like the rest of us. I had overslept that day and was too tired and sleepheaded at the time to really call her out on it, so I just gave some vague answer.

Overall I just don't get the feeling she has much to offer me in terms of advice. I have seen her quite a few times now, and while I don't dislike her I just don't get anything from our conversations, so I don't really want to see her anymore. To be honest I'm not sure what she does there. According to the clinic's website she's a nurse and not a counselor or a shrink of any kind, so I'm a bit confused as to why she has been assigned to me.

But ummm yeah. I got to fill out some bipolarity test paper anyway, and she said according to that it is quite probable that I am somewhere on the bipolar spectrum, and got me an appointment with a doctor who will investigate this further and maybe give me mood stabilizers.

However right now I feel absolutely fine, which always complicates things. I know I have been perfectly fine many times before, and therefor declined treatment because obviously I was cured, so... Things feel a bit different though, but this isn't the first time I have said that, so I don't really know how much of it to trust. This past year has been better than the ones before it, depression-wise. I had my worst one ever last winter, but after that I have felt pretty good most of the time, with only a few short depressive episodes, and I have come a long way with a lot of deep-rooted issues and faulty thinking. Recently I started doing some meditation/visualisation exercises daily, and I have decided what I really want to do with my life, and worked out a plan how to get there. I have realized a shitload of ways I have worked against myself in the past, and I think I know how to stop doing that in the future. I mean, I was already aware of my self sabotage in some areas, but holy craptits Batman, I didn't know how many areas of my life it really affected.

So, I don't know. I feel really positive about things, but not in a hyper kind of way. I guess I will just keep doing my exercises and keep on this track until I see the doctor in January, and if I'm still feeling as good as I do now I might put off starting meds to see if I can manage without them if I can stick to the methods I have learned to keep myself steady.

I'm mostly worried about losing my fits of extreme joy. I don't mean the longer periods that I suspect are hypo mania, but the little bursts of glee that make me dance and run instead of walking, or that make it difficult to keep myself from laughing out loud at something ridiculous even if I'm alone at the grocery store, or like today at work when I felt so tremendously happy that we had gotten Jedward's new(ish) cd in and that I could listen to it that I was actually a tad concerned I would physically explode in a cloud of heart confetti, and had to work really hard on calming myself down to not scare the customers. That would be so fucking sucky to lose. Those moments are my favourite things.

Buuuut, on the other hand, meds might be worth it if I'm going to have to pay for those moments with far more long term periods of depression that make it difficult if not impossible for me to make longterm plans or really get anywhere. So, I don't know. I'm not really bothered by the risk of meds ruining my libido since quite frankly it's annoyingly over-active as it is, causing me quite a bit of frustration. I might actually appreciate it calming down a bit.

There, another unexpectedly long winded post about my brain. You know you love it.

Also, for the record: I have wanted to do more Phoot Story Time posts, but since I decided that paying for my personal Flickr account was a waste of money a while ago and stopped doing so I no longer have easy access to my old photos. Maybe soon I will go on an excursion into my old computer and excavate some gems from the caves of its dinosauresque innards.